Grimm is not a licensed Doctor. Nor technically a Diabetes Warrior. But he did take some sword classes around the turn of the century and he still remembers a little bit of it. So that’s pretty cool if you ask me. Speaking of asking me, Read On!

Dear Grimm,
My dog won’t stop humping. Whether it’s the furniture, his stuffed animals, the other dog, me, the house. He humps anything, anywhere. It’s starting to affect my marriage.
What’s a good way to communicate to him that these feelings are normal, but that he’s putting a strain on the family with it?

Sincerely,
Tired of This Humper,
(Via Email, No Location Given)

Dear Tired,

This is a predicament indeed! Of course, it’s the genetic imperative of all creatures to pound ass, and most animals don’t know enough about social etiquette to understand that they're supposed to be ashamed of sex/body enough that they keep it indoors, with a consenting participant only, preferably in the bedroom, and as polite as they can manage while apologizing for their physical, emotional, or mental shortcomings.

That being said, it is unlikely you will be able to properly communicate this to your dog verbally, so you may want to create an educational video with your partner in an informative yet entertaining fashion with some honest and succinct bullet points. Here are a few I suggest:

• Nervous crying is OK, but the sooner he can rein it in, the better off everyone is going to be. The magnitudes of personal shame involved with love making cannot be overstated and he needs to know that an uncontrollable torrent of tears is natural, but it’s not particularly sexy.
• Hide his shame of being h*rny with his partner in a private designated space. That way no one can see him but maybe God, and if he doesn’t like it then that's his own fault for inventing genitals in the first place.
• And if his partner makes any comments about being “just a little disappointed, it’s not a huge deal” then no one but him will hear it and as long as only he knows it, then he can live with it. I’m pretty sure dogs talk to each other telepathically anyway but this is a good one to keep in mind for anyone really.
• Honest Communication.

Best Wishes to you and your darling humper. I hope your family survives this.

Regards,
Grimm